A Little Guide...

I was bored, so I typed up this little guide. Leave me a comment to let me know what you think.

What to do in the event of an emergency
Step 1: If the emergency in any way involves food, opossums or a pair of rubber leggings, than skip straight to step 9.
Step 2: Depending on the severity of the situation, there are several different things that are commonly attempted in order to solve it; for instance, discovering the root of the problem, getting revenge, trying to back-trace the signal, panicking, etc. These are all wrong. In any emergency, the first thing that must be done is counting up to mox. Without the clear and Buddha-like mind that arises from counting to mox, there is little hope for any resolution, and one's death can quickly be expected in a matter of micro-seconds.
Step 3: Having counted to mox once, do it again. For insurance. Now.
Step 4: Eliminate all who stand in the way of yourself and a hasty exit. This typically includes all close friends and family, a neighbor's cat, twelve-dollar bills, any member of the clergy wearing shoes, and Dan Aykroyd. Do not be afraid of having to travel long distances to accomplish this. After all, when was the last time someone survived an earthquake without killing Dan Aykroyd?
Step 5: Picture in your mind what it is you wish to accomplish. Keep the image still in your mind, and release all of your worries and hesitation. Pay no attention to the man behind you taking your wallet; he is just a side effect of the first stage of enlightenment. Besides, he needs it more than you do. Warning!! This step will be absolutely inefficient against volcanic eruptions. In the unlikely event that you are caught in such a disaster, try giving the man your car keys. Tip your hat as well. A little politeness goes a long way.
Step 6: Run.
Step 7: Faster!!
Step 8: Too late. An opossum in drag has just shoved some kind of goulash down your throat. Getting sleeeepyyyyyyyy...
Step 9: You wake up in a dark room covered in moss and cobwebs. The stench of decay emanates from the walls, and water slowly trickles down from the ceiling in a maddening drip-drip sort of way. From deeper in the darkness you hear someone attacking with Magic Missile. You want to die, but don't worry; this is just another hallucination. Also, here's your wallet back.
Step 10: Now that the basics have been covered, we can move on to the next important part-what action does your specific emergency call for? Just as there are innumerable numbers of emergencies, there are innumerable ways of solving them. The problem that arises is that not every solution goes well with every emergency. Knocking over the paint will hardly help load that cannon faster. Unless it's magic paint. But the author of this guide didn't get where he is today by relying on magic paint! No, he did it through his own hard effort! He didn't bother with stupid guides like this! Figure something out for yourself!
Step 11: Forget your idea. It wasn't very good, anyway. Try magic paint.
Step 12: Now that you have failed to even acquire magic paint, could you please start listening to what I have to say, hmm? If you keep branching out on your own, there's really no point in continuing this, is there? Anyway, let's just say the emergency is that your house is on fire. That's always what it is. And if it isn't, everything causes fire eventually. Earthquakes, meteor impacts, hurricanes, everything. Except for opossums. For that, go back to step 6, rinse and repeat. That way, the opossum won't be on fire. Unlike your house. The trick now is moving the fire off of your house and onto your neighbor's house. This may seem like a much too vigorous martial art practice to attempt all at once, but be at ease. It is actually quite simple and you will always know when you have succeeded.
And there you have it! Problem solved! But what's this? The police have arrived and are trying to arrest you for your bravery. Show them your sincerity by giving them some of your fire. Everyone loves fire.

In memory of the opossum, who had it coming.